


Operation: Give Party A Heart Attack

by kryptidkat



Series: The Great Shipping Prank War [1]
Category: Danger Days: The True Lives of the Fabulous Killjoys - My Chemical Romance (Album)
Genre: Crack, Explicit Language, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, Friendship, Gen, Platonic Relationships, aroace Kobra, but not the trope where they actually get together at the end, idk what Cherri's sexuality is but at this point I think it's probably a good night's sleep lol, it's pretty wholesome otherwise though, no actual ships just shenanigans, they went full Easy A by the end, this is pure prank war fake dating, tried to keep the innuendo to a minimum haha
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-31
Updated: 2019-08-31
Packaged: 2020-10-01 00:19:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20455973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kryptidkat/pseuds/kryptidkat
Summary: The one where Cherri accidentally implies to Party that he’s dating Kobra and freaks Party out, and consequently Cherri and Kobra decide to make the most of a bad situation by pretending to actually be dating and freak Party out even more.





	Operation: Give Party A Heart Attack

Cherri had been hanging out at the diner for about a week now, sorting through some of the junk from his scavenging trips they let him stash in the backyard for safekeeping, so Kobra wasn’t surprised when he came in the shed where Kobra was working on his bike.

What did surprise Kobra was how he tore inside and slammed the door behind him like he had a whole posse of dracs on his tail, making the whole shed rattle.

He stood there pressed against the door, panting, eyes wild. “Kobra! Kobra, oh Destroya, your brother is gonna kill me.”

Kobra looked up from the tire he was changing and raised a bemused eyebrow, interest piqued. “What did you do to him now.”

“He started it!” Cherri said. “There I was, minding my own business in the kitchen looking for the Redbull I’d left in there which I’m pretty sure Ghoul stole but anyway, Poison’s banging around getting supplies together for him and Jet’s run, and we’re ignoring each other politely and doing our own thing, right? And we just keep runnin’ into each other and getting in each other’s way so I’m thinking, _ wow I'm a real klutz today, _but the more it happens, the more I get to wondering if it’s him being all passive aggressive ‘n shit for some reason, and --” Cherri paused for breath, and kept going, “ – and it wasn’t until he ‘accidentally’ slammed my fingers in a cupboard door that I knew for sure, even though he said sorry and I said it was fine and we went back to doing our own thing. When all of a sudden he whirls around – “ Cherri pulled himself up to his full height and flipped an imaginary red fringe out of his eyes, glaring up at an invisible person in front of him who was a good head taller than he was, and the stance was such a perfect imitation that Kobra snorted, “ – and he glares up at me, no warning, and goes ‘Are you fucking my brother?’”

The garbled noise Kobra made was a combination of incredulity, disgust, and sheer glee. “He did _ not!_”

“I swear to the Witch he did! He finally snapped! But that wasn’t even the worst part,” Cherri wheezed. “I was gonna tell him no – you know, the truth, like a non-evil person – but Kobra, I must have a deathwish I didn’t know about because I said – I said – " He couldn’t stop laughing hysterically long enough to get the words out.

“What! What did you say!”

“I said,” Cherri clapped a hand over his eyes, still wheezing. “I said, ‘What if I was?’”

Kobra’s wrench clanged to the floor. Afraid he was mad, Cherri peeked through his fingers.

Kobra was sitting on the floor, shaking with silent laughter.

“You said that?” he gasped out.

“I don’t know what possessed me!” Reality started to sink in, and Cherri sobered quickly. “Ohhh Destroya. Kobra, I’m dead, I’m dead. There’s no coming back from that.”

Kobra was _ sobbing_. “Y..yeah no, you’re d – ahahahaha – you’re doomed for sure.”

“You could at least PRETEND to be sympathetic!” Cherri plunked down beside him. “It’s my life on the line here.”

Kobra wiped tears from his eyes and managed to get a hold of himself a little. “What the hell did he do then?”

“Nothing! Jet yelled for him cuz they had to go, and he just spun around on his heel and left!” Cherri clutched the sides of his head. “When he gets back he’s gonna dust me in my sleep.”

“Not if you’re with me,” Kobra deadpanned.

“Oh, real smooth, Casanova. Seriously, what am I gonna do?”

“If you’re really worried,” Kobra said, going solemn for a moment, “I’ll tell him.”

“Hey, yeah, because, what is his problem?” Cherri sat up indignantly. “If the idea bothers him that much, why _ doesn’t _ he just ask you?” 

“Because he’s my brother and it’s fuckin’ gross, that’s why!” Kobra shoved him. “It’s not personal. He just worries you’re some kinda heartbreaker, that’s all.” 

“Eh, I get it. What are big brothers for.” Cherri glanced over at him. “I guess I didn’t know what you wanted him to know, or not. Maybe that’s why I said it. If you don’t wanna talk about it, don’t. I’ll survive. Probably.” 

“It just never came up.” Kobra shrugged. “Nah, I’ll tell him. I don’t really want you to get ghosted with an axe.” 

“He has an AXE?!”

“Cherri, I’m joking, I’m joking. Cool it. I’ll tell him.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

They sat there for a minute.

“You know what would be really, really, evil, though...” Cherri said slowly.

“Cherri you bastard.” Kobra started to catch on. “He would lose his everloving mind.”

They looked at each other.

Then Kobra scrambled to his feet and started to pace, snapping into full scheming mode. “First rule of fight club, don’t talk about fight club. Don’t say a word. We’ll _ make _him bring it up. When he does, we win.”

“If he doesn’t just off me first.”

"It was your idea!”

“Fine, alright! I’m in. I, too, like to live dangerously.” Cherri resigned himself to his fate and stood up to join him.

Kobra stopped pacing and stroked his chin as he stared at the bare wall of the shed, already several scenarios deep. Cherri could practically see the equations and blueprints floating around his head.

No wonder he was the most feared prankster in the diner.

The others' schemes, particularly Ghoul’s, were outrageous and extreme and usually super gross. But Kobra’s were subtle, cunning long cons, and would slowly chip away at your very sanity.

“How long do you think it’ll take to break him?” Kobra said.

“Only one way to find out.” Cherri grinned at him. “How are we gonna do this?”

~~~

They decided to start small.

Party and Jet’s run only lasted a few days, and Cherri was actually away when they got back, trucking a load of scrap metal over to the store. When he returned, Party didn’t treat him any less civilly than usual, but hadn’t once spoken to him, either. Whatever was going on in his head, he must’ve still been trying to figure out what to do. Which was fine by Cherri, even though it made it kinda difficult to play Go Fish. 

It was sort of a weekend tradition, apparently, these evening Go Fish marathons with all of them crammed together at one of the diner tables — Party and Kobra and the Girl in one booth, Ghoul and Cherri and Jet in the other. 

But after his overnight trip, Cherri was pretty wiped out and decided to turn in early. 

He said as much in between rounds, and the Girl’s mouth fell open. “It’s not even _ my _ bedtime.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Cherri gave her a kiss and elbowed at Jet. “I’m old and boring, I know.”

Jet slid off the bench to let him out. “Night.”

“Night.” Cherri strolled down the hall. A minute later his voice came floating out of the bathroom. “Aw shit, I left my toothbrush at Tommy’s again.”

“Just use mine, dude,” Kobra called back, and turned to Party. “Got any fou – ?”

His timing was impeccable, because Party had been taking a drink of water. Party choked and spat it out.

Across from Party, expression stony, Ghoul pulled out a bandana to wipe the spray from his face where most of it had landed. “The fuck, Poison.”

“Sorry.” Party coughed again.

Kobra patted him on the back, all innocent concern. “You good? Don’t die.”

Party just glowered at him, and wordlessly slid over his fours.

Stage One: complete.

~~~

Stage Two was a bit trickier because, well, they already did stuff like borrowing each other’s clothes and napping on the couch together so often that everyone was used to it. 

“It’s not about what you do. It’s _ when _you do it,” Kobra lectured Cherri sagely as they were holding another battle strategy meeting in the shed the next day. He unfurled the chart he’d scrawled onto the back of an old poster. “Timing is everything. So look closely and learn from the master...”

~~~

There was still a chill in the morning air when Kobra came shuffling into the kitchen where the others (sans Cherri) were eating breakfast, and made his usual beeline for the coffee pot. 

He was wearing Cherri’s army green jacket. 

Party’s hackles immediately went up. His eyes narrowed.

“Is Cola still here?” he asked Kobra far too casually, once Kobra had gotten halfway through his first cup and was safe to address without Party risking getting clobbered for it. 

“Yeah,” Kobra said. “He usually sleeps in, though.”

Ghoul sniggered. “Why, he stay up too late?”

Kobra frowned quizzically at him, pretending not to get it. “I guess.” 

Right on cue, Cherri made his entrance, all sweater-pawed in one of Kobra’s oversized yellow hoodies. It was actually adorable. “I was told there’d be coffee?” 

Party hastily laid aside his energy bar, looking ill. Ghoul grinned. Jet just rolled his eye and went back to dishing up the Girl’s food. 

(Kobra thought Jet had a pretty good idea what they were up to, though thankfully he hadn’t interfered. He wasn’t sure about Ghoul, except that he was clearly enjoying the hijinks.) 

He reached for a clean cup for Cherri, but Party beat him to it. He filled it and stalked over to him, radiating suspicion. 

“So do you live here now or what?” he said, handing it over. 

Cherri thought about that for a moment. “Or what,” he decided. He blinked angelically at Party over the top of the mug. “Oh. Have I outstayed my welcome?” 

Party blinked back. “Uh. No, no, of course not,” he said, backpedaling as he realized he had no real grounds to accuse him of anything. “Just wondering.” 

Behind Party’s back, Kobra gave Cherri a proud OK sign and tapped his wrist knowingly. _ Told ya. All in the timing. _

Then he caught Ghoul staring at him with dawning realization. Kobra quickly shook his head, slitting a finger across his throat.

Ghoul grinned even wider, before making a zipping motion across his lips.

Stage Two: complete. Plus, they had an ally now as well.

In Kobra’s book, it was a pretty successful day. And it was only eight in the morning.

~~~

But a few days later, aside from Party glaring daggers at Cherri at every opportunity, and pointedly polishing his raygun several times a day, they had yet to elicit an outright reaction from him. 

“Finale?” Cherri suggested once they were alone in the shed again.

“Too soon,” Kobra shot that down. “You gotta build up to it. Hmm, what else....”

“Flowers.”

“Basic.”

“Poetry. I could leave it lying around, real hardcore mushy shit. Roses are red and all that.”

“No, no tangible evidence.”

“Fine. Hand holding?”

“We do that already.”

“Smooches.”

“We do that, too.”

“_ I _ do,” Cherri pointed out.

It was true – Kobra had resigned himself a long time ago to Cherri’s habit of kissing him on the head or the nose any chance he got. _ You’re just too cute to resist_, Cherri told him once, which had made Kobra go a bit pink under his tan and tell him to fuck off. But returning the gesture had never really been Kobra’s thing. 

“It _ would _get his attention...” Kobra studied Cherri pensively. He shrugged. “Eh. Okay. I’ll take one for the team.” 

“What, am I that hideous, Kobra Adult?” Cherri pretended to be offended, and looked up at him with his biggest eyes. 

“_Soda Pop_. Joking,” said Kobra. He grabbed his Good Luck helmet from a bench and breezed past Cherri, giving him a big smack on the cheek as he went. “Wanna ride?” 

Cherri picked his jaw up off the floor and followed. 

~ 

It was too hot outside to bike for long, so they were back pretty soon. Kobra pulled up in front of the main diner windows, revving the throttle so Party couldn’t miss their arrival. 

He killed the engine, hopped off, and extended a courteous gloved hand to Cherri to help him off the back. 

“Laying it on a bit thick, huh?” Cherri said, taking it. “Here, laugh like we’re having fun. HA HA HA, KOBRA, YOU’RE HILARIOUS!” 

“Now who’s laying it on thick.” Kobra pulled off his helmet. “Ha ha ha?” 

“Close enough,” Cherri said, removing his own helmet and threading his sunscarred arms familiarly around Kobra’s neck. “Okay, this is our best shot.”

Kobra brushed Cherri’s blue streak out of his face, leaned in and pressed another kiss to his cheek. “There. That’s all you get, ya big sap.” 

“Nice touch with the hair,” said Cherri. “How’ll we know if he saw, though?” 

“Um,” Kobra said, looking over Cherri’s shoulder. “Yeah. I wouldn’t worry about that.” 

Cherri stole a furtive glance backward. 

A livid Party was pressed up against the window, nose squashed into the glass, eyes bugging out of his head. 

“Did you see that?” Kobra overheard Party hiss at Ghoul as him and Cherri were coming in. 

Ghoul flipped the page of his zine. “I didn’t see anything.”

Party threw his hands up and walked out. Ghoul gave Kobra a wink.

Stage Three: complete.

~~~~~~~~~

“Stage Four: the domestic spat,” Kobra announced in his best professor voice. He thwacked the chart on the shed wall with an old dipstick.

“What about?” Cherri asked, cross-legged studiously on the floor.

“Hell, I don’t know. Toaster strudels. Star Wars. Does it matter?”

“Not really, I guess. Oh, on that note, if you see a copy of Empire, snag it for me if you can, okay? My VHS died.”

“Okay.” Kobra filed that away for later. His face fell suddenly. “Aw man, we haven’t shown those to the Girl yet.”

But Cherri had already moved on. “Toaster strudels _ are _better than poptarts...” he said, tapping his teeth thoughtfully.

“How dare you, uncultured swine.” Kobra looked like he’d been slapped.

“Save it, save it!” Cherri said hastily. “Please, continue.”

“Fine. And that...” Kobra moved the dipstick down to the last item on the chart. “...as you can see, leads right into Stage Five: the grand finale.”

“Shiny. And if that doesn’t work? Do we just...keep at it?”

“Trust me.” Kobra smiled serenely at him. “I really don’t think we’ll have to.”

~~~~

Jet, Party, the Girl, and Ghoul were enjoying a lazy afternoon of crafting and tinkering in the common area when they heard angry muffled voices outside.

Party put down his paintbrush. “The hell?”

“That’s it! We’re over!” Cherri stomped in, Kobra hot on his heels.

“Cardboard!” Kobra yelled, waving a brightly colored food package at him. “Nothing but cardboard with sprinkles on! Whereas these – ”

“La lala lala!” Cherri clapped his hands over his ears. “I won’t listen to your blasphemy! OoohOOH SAY CAN YOU SEE...”

“Don’t walk away from me when I’m talking to you!”

“Well THOSE taste like plastic! They’re an abomination, you could build a brick wall out of the things!”

“Excuse me?” Kobra gaped. “Sacrilege! That’s – that’s as bad as saying you should watch the _ prequels _first!”

Cherri whirled around. “It’s _ chronological order!"_

“Fuck your chronological order, fourfiveonetwothreesix is the way God and George Lucas intended!” Kobra’s voice went up an octave with frustration. “Otherwise it spoils the twist that – ” he remembered the Girl was there and caught himself – “Arthday Adervay is Uklay’s atherfay!”

Kobra stepped right up to Cherri. Cherri didn’t back down.

“You disgust me! I pity the kids you’ll have to raise someday!”

“I already have a kid, dumbass! And by Destroya, I’ll see to it that she’s raised right!”

They stood there at an impasse, nose to nose, panting.

Their roomful of spectators could only stare.

Cherri broke eye contact first, glancing down at his shoes.

“Wanna poptart?” he said humbly.

“Yeah,” Kobra admitted.

He followed Cherri into the kitchen, leaving three speechless killjoys and one rather confused but just as speechless child in their wake.

The moment the swinging doors snapped shut behind them, Cherri held out his fist smugly. Kobra gave it a bump.

“Too much?” Cherri said.

“Nah. Good thing you don’t actually believe in chronological order though, or I _ would _ have to break up with you,” said Kobra. 

“I wouldn’t blame you,” Cherri said fervently. “Now for the grand finale: making up. But first, toaster strudels.” 

“What, for real?”

“All that arguing made me hungry!” Cherri snatched the box from him, unwrapped two pastries and stuffed them into the toaster. “Okay, _ now _ let’s do this.” He stuck his hands in his hair and started ruffling it up vigorously. He glared at Kobra when he snickered at him. “You too, loverboy.”

“Oh. Right.” Kobra carefully took off his sunglasses and set them on a top shelf, shook out his own hair and looked at Cherri for approval.

Cherri gave him a thumbs up. “Ready?” He selected a metal bowl.

Kobra nodded.

Cherri held it out and dropped it on the tile floor. It hit and bounced with a ringing clatter.

Kobra swept an arm across a counter, sending its contents scattering.

Not to be outdone, Cherri threw himself into the wall. Kobra wrestled off his boots and hurled them across the room, one after the other. Cherri looked around frantically for something else. Kobra yanked open the industrial refrigerator door and banged it shut.

“The _ fridge door?"_ Cherri scream-whispered at him, cracking up as quietly as he could. “Kobra!”

“Shut up, shut up! I don’t know how this works!” Kobra hissed back.

“So kinky.” Cherri started rolling the wheely stainless steel island around the room.

“Oh, like _ that’s _ any better!”

“Shhh!”

It quickly devolved into a competition. Kobra started slamming cupboards, making his way across the whole row. Cherri flickered the light switch. Kobra turned the faucet on and let it run full blast.

Cherri was reaching for the fire extinguisher when he heard angry footsteps approaching. Finally.

He gestured frantically at Kobra. _ Go, go. _

They had just enough time to fling themselves to opposite sides of the room before Party strode in and stopped short, taking in the scene.

The sight of them in classic _ act natural _ poses in their disarrayed state made him turn slightly green.

“I just came to get this...thing,” Party said lamely. He grabbed something from a counter at random.

“There was, um, a spider,” Cherri said.

Party didn’t respond. Just about-faced and noped out of there.

Cherri shot Kobra a victorious grin, but Kobra shook his head.

_ Wait_, he mouthed, and put a finger to his lips.

Cherri frowned at him. _ Why? _

_ Just stay. Trust me. _ He held up three fingers.

_ Three. Two. One. _

Party slammed through the swinging doors again, hoping to catch them at something.

Kobra was lounged nonchalantly against the fridge, staring at the ceiling. Cherri studied the dirt under his fingernails.

“Uh. Forgot this,” said Party. He grabbed another random object. “Your toaster strudels are getting cold,” he added wrathfully, and fled. 

The second he was gone Cherri stared at Kobra. “How in the Witch’s name did you – ”

“I know Party.”

“But to the _ second?_”

“I know Party,” Kobra repeated with a modest shrug, because that was really all the explanation he had, but he looked pleased. “Timing. Now am I the master commander, or am I the master commander?”

“You’re the master commander.”

“Thank you.” Kobra went to retrieve the lukewarm pastries and offered one to him.

Cherri accepted it and tapped his against Kobra’s like a toast before taking a bite. “Not bad,” he said, and hoisted himself onto the counter to sit. “Not even that stale. For being...” he checked the box. “Yikes. Seven years past expiration.”

“Had worse. Bit burnt though,” Kobra commented. He took a seat beside him. 

They sat, heels swinging, chewing their victory spoils in companionable silence. 

~~~~~~

Party burst out of the diner into the glaring sunlight, head spinning. Was he going crazy? Was he the only one seeing this?

He had to get out of there, clear his head, but it was so damn hot out that he couldn’t think straight.

He ducked into the cool darkness of the repair shed where Kobra kept his bike shit, and sank down onto a bench.

He was _ this _close to being at his wit’s end. Either he was imagining things, or something was going on between the two of them. But it had been weeks now and he still didn’t have any definitive evidence, no matter how closely he watched them.

And yet they were thick as thieves, and could make all sorts of inside jokes that flew over his head and they hung on each other all the time and Cherri hadn’t denied it when Party finally couldn’t stand not knowing anymore -- after which things had only escalated. 

And there was no way he was gonna bring it up with Kobra. That was _ not _ a conversation he wanted to have with his kid brother. 

It was so damn _ weird _ though, because he _ knew _ Kobra, and he’d been ninety-five percent sure by this time that he wasn’t into any of that. What the hell was going on?

As he stewed, Party’s eyes adjusted to the dim light and he found himself staring blankly at the ragged tarp hanging from the wall. One corner had slipped loose and there was something behind it, some old diagram or...

Was that his _ name? _

In a burst of irresistible curiosity, he crossed the floor and tore down the rest of the tarp, revealing – 

Oh.

_ Ohhhh. _

“Motherfucker,” Party said out loud to the empty room.

To be honest, he was a little relieved. But he was a lot more angry. 

Party drummed his fingers on his thigh. His gaze went unfocused as he stared at the chart, trying to think up a course of revenge suitable for such a heinous crime.

How dare they, seriously? If they had any idea how much angst they had caused him...

Then again, two could play that game.

Suddenly inspired, Party replaced the tarp and sprinted back to the diner.

Once inside, he strolled over to where Ghoul was soldering wires. 

“Hey Ghoul...”

~~~

_ Not pictured: A few weeks later, Jet forcibly tying everyone to chairs and not setting them free until they swear on the deity of their choice there’s no actual fraternizing going on in this diner or he WILL kick you out of this crew, Ghoul, do not test him. _

**Author's Note:**

> RE: Party and Ghoul’s retaliation  
Ghoul would have absolutely no qualms about being a double agent once the game was up. But seeing as Party and Ghoul both have unfortunate exhibitionist tendencies, I thought it best to leave that part of the prank war offscreen lmao
> 
> RE: Toaster strudels  
Apparently I am incapable of writing crack without poptarts in it. Probably some sort of subconscious carryover from my 2011 Avengers fandom days, lol. I regret nothing
> 
> RE: My lovely tumblr followers  
Thanks to everyone who gave me the kick in the pants I needed to sit down and write this! Your wonderful comments inspired me for sure. Hope you got a laugh or two out of it! Which part was your favorite?


End file.
